Saturday, October 14, 2006 2:15 am

To be real.

To fully celebrate your joy.
To admit it when things are crap.
To make your convictions and beliefs open to mockery.
To risk letting people think you're completely crazy.


It's amazing, sometimes, how hard it is to just exist.
It's crazy, how you can drive yourself nuts all by yourself.

For me, it's a slip.
The slightest slip from my only hope
and that's it
it's a slip into that abyss
again.

Time to be honest.

I'm terribly frustrated.
Just with...everything.
I am so tired of being dismissed and labelled and deceived
I am so tired of repetitive conversation,
pretense in the full awareness of all parties.

I am so frustrated at myself:
My pride and my prejudices
My lack of resolve or commitment
My lazyness and procrastination
My fears and insecurities.

My friendships. Skin deep.
It breaks my heart to admit it,
but so few of them really know me at all.
Those who know me...they hurt me.
But who am I to complain
I know I've hurt them.
I guess that's just the way it goes.

It's just sad, that's all.
Forgive me if you're reading this,
but let me finish my rant.
I've just been home all of today,
without making any of the phone calls I wanted to make
or any of the arrangements I planned to make.
I've just...moped,
and thought.
And the really annoying thing about thinking
is that you know you could've chosen not to face all that underlying crap
but then you know also
that all of it was true.

Avoidance would keep us all happy for longer I suppose...
We can mould ourselves further into our masks
and then wonder
some day down the road
why everything feels so false.

For me, without God, I am truly and utterly a wreck.
But more frustration lies here,
because it seems I cannot live with or without Him.
Actually, a correction here, perhaps.
With Him, is definitely better by far.
It's more the staying with Him that is terribly, terribly difficult.
I don't understand how I seem to get worse, and not better.

It's really quite frightening, how my eyes are being opened to myself.
My self-perception has been thrashed so much that I haven't even managed to come to terms with it yet.
I am really not everything I thought I was.
The more I see of who I am, the more I hate me.
And really, the only bit of me that I don't now despise
is the bit of me that aspires to be better than this.

Yeah, angsty, emo, overdramatic.
Call me what you want,
but it's not me who's in the masquerade of happiness.
Or if you really are happy, well, then,
you have my sincere well-wishes.
Congratulations, I mean it.

As for me, I see myself, and I see the world,
and I know I need God.
And even in my neediness, I know I lack the strength to pursue God.
All the more I need God.
I use Him and I betray Him and I turn my back on Him
And at the end of the day, I need Him.

The more I try and stuff all this "God-nonsense-religious-stuff", and be happy how everyone else "is", the more I realise it: I need Jesus.

God doesn't, of course, make life easy.
But that is really quite secondary.
In fact, it is almost arbitrary.
The point is - I need Him.
I am broken.

I think that if everyone dared to look inside,
to let the light shine on the real state of their hearts,
they would see their own brokenness too, as I see mine.

But make no mistake,
God is no magic potion to make life everything we dreamed it would be.
He does however, promise to make life what He planned it to be.
And He tells us, frankly, and for our own good,
that His plans are far better than our dreams.
If we would just follow Him.
Against the heartache and the pain,
to just follow Him,
to receive a reward that we never earned.

...I really did have no business complaining.