Friday, July 14, 2006
4:01 am
I thought tonight was fun...we went out for dinner at this french restaurant in the city and then we got ice-cream after. I've tasted snails now, and I thought they were pretty good! We took heaps of funny photos...I bet we look like idiots in them.
Yea...it's easy to be happy in the moment. It's just...what about when that moment is over?
I hate how drama queen I sound, but I really do lead such a double life. It's just...who sees the struggle? There's no difference on the surface. No one even realises when something goes wrong...which is why I find that when I fall, I fall down so far...because there's no one to pull me from the edge, there's no one to stop me from going further down.
I know it's my own fault for not sharing with somebody. It's just that I can't help being afraid. That whoever I pour my heart out to might walk out on me. Drift from me.
Turn cold on me. It's not like it hasn't happened before. So I have trust issues, but I think I have a legitimate reason. I still feel like a piece of me is with each of these people. But what is it to them now.
What am I doing...why am I running from the one person who has never failed me? I admit it, I'm scared of Jesus sometimes. Oh I know, I know he loves me like crazy. I know that whenever I go to him, he comforts me like no one else can. Instead of turning me away like he So Should. But I mean...I feel so unworthy to be near him, to even talk to him, to be heard by him. Most of the time I'm too afraid to dive into the depths of his grace...I choose to wallow in my failure instead.
It's like I can't quite comprehend why he hasn't given up on me yet. It's like I'm waiting for him to finally realise that someone like me is beyond the reach of his grace.
At the very same time, it's all I have. Without him my life would be just...nothing.
Oh I don't get this. How did I manage all this spiritual 'de-growth'. How did I let myself get enticed...I feel like after all these years, I am starting all over again, right from the bottom.
Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
~ Psalm 61