Friday, March 31, 2006
7:59 pm
It's 7 now...Passion Play at Turramurra church is at 8.30.
To go or not to go?
You know there are days when I feel so unchristian. And I don't know how to get myself out. And I know it's not about feeling at all, really. But one thing leads to another and the next thing I know, He's far away again because I've pushed Him there. And then I'm on that same old rebel streak that seems to get worse each time. I want to do things my way. Your way is too difficult. I am so tired. Why the hell do I try so hard? Nothing gets better. Nothing's changed. It's so much easier doing it my way. So many things less to do, so many sacrifices less to make.
Sometimes I come so far to the brink as to ask if I even believe in Jesus at all. It's so majorly confusing me, considering how far I've come. After everything He's done for me all these years I stand here doubting His existence? That's probably the worst insult I could ever throw Him. It makes me low dirty scum. Not that I wasn't already. I know that He's real and I guess I've been through too much with Him not to know it. I know that the real reason I'm doubting is that it gives me a way out of not living His way.
I don't understand how this has happened. I was crazy about Him. I thought about Him all day. I was fuelled with all this energy and all this passion. All this hope. Did I burn out? And why do I keep pushing Him away?
I tried telling close friends about this before but I didn't know how to explain it properly, I guess I didn't (I still don't) know what is happening. But they seemed so confident that I would come out stronger. Thing is it's been ages and I'm running out of fuel and I'm afraid there will come a day when I give up trying.
I feel like I've just wasted weeks and weeks, I really might as well have been comatose. Sure, I'm doing this stuff but it's all for nothing. Away from Him I see no reason for goodness. I've probably been quite a bitch.
I guess I'm scared. Even natural branches are cut off when they die. How much more so with the branches that were grafted in!
Right now I'm just waiting to hit the bottom. I'm waiting for Him to come get me if He wants me. Cos I just can't do this.
I don't know why I'm writing all this here. I guess I'm contradicting that crazy little lie that the christian walk is easy. But I'm not afraid to contradict it because it IS a lie. And the bible itself doesn't hide it. I don't want to hide my faith and keep it safe from being knocked down. I want it to be tested with the fiercest of fires and thereafter emerge refined, or prove itself false. I refuse to shelter my beliefs. I want the truth to shine on its own accord.
(I can't deny I know it will. I know He will never give up on me.)