Wednesday, January 18, 2006
1:42 am
Man...you know how they say..."Look deep into yourself and you'll find peace"?
I think that's absolute TRASH because the deeper I look into myself, the less I like me. I think I've looked deep enough. Gosh I HATE ME SO MUCH.
That's exactly why I'm giving my life up to the One who's saved me from me. But the problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar! Man I keep doing that! I hate hurting someone I love...and it just has to be the someone who loves me the way he does. And what's worse is that I'll be doing that all my life. Running away from someone who suffered excrutiating pain and total abandonment
just so I could simply be with him.
Something that troubles me is how sometimes I just don't do what I want to. The bible says that faith without action is dead (James 2:14-25). Jesus says in John 14:15, "If you love me, you will obey what I command." Sometimes I wonder if I love him enough...because sometimes my actions don't say so. No amount of telling him that I love him could amount to what I say to him when I just follow him.
I mean...what use is it if your guy/girl says 'I love you' and even thinks about you a lot but when it comes down to it, ditches you when you need him/her, to do something as worthless as going to get wasted? (That's ultimately what I'm doing with my life when I ditch him.)
Words are just for description man. Sometimes a picture can speak a thousand words, but you can't always describe a picture with a thousand words. Sometimes words cannot describe a picture at all. Let alone an actual moving, living, walking, talking ACTION.
So I can never love him enough. But he'll be here for me anyway. Loving me anyway. Understanding me and still hearing every word I say. While I will continue to ignore him and put him off every so often, he'll be giving me his full attention the moment I cry out to him.
He already
knew, before he chose that bitter road for me, that I would in return come back someday to drive the nails in even deeper.