Friday, October 14, 2005
12:21 am
Been doing quite a bit of thinking today. Sparked off mainly by our discussion during English about the extent to which our lives and personalities have been inherited or influenced from our families, and the other personal traits that are wholly unique to ourselves and where they have come from. Rather philosophical actually.
I found the questions really hard to answer. Guess I really don't know about myself as much as I assume sometimes. As far as family goes...I don't really see how I'm like my family members at all. We're all really different in the family.
So I think most of me has been moulded out of my circumstances. And societal values I guess, but mostly circumstances.
You know...we never feel ourselves change but we do, very very subtly everyday, and it's always pretty shocking to realise when you've changed.
I think that the people who knew me as a child would find it hard to believe that right now, I come across as reserved. I was such a noisy and open and woo-let's-go-crazy kinda kid. People told me that before. And the thing is, I actually remember being her. I guess if I look back on it now I was quite a brat..pretty vicious sometimes. Someone told me Christopher dreamt that I stabbed him in the back with a pencil. (This was in primary school, by the way. I didn't even hang out with boys, anyway.) I remember arguing with yh until she cried. Okay...I'm making myself sound horrible. I was nice too..well sometimes. =b I thought my heart was in the right place anyway. I seriously have no idea how I ever became Head Prefect after all the crap that happened to me.
Yah, I did go through some really crappy times...actually I'm just talking about one thing. I think it's still the worst experience in my life thus far. I never really got to tell anyone about the pain cos well..there wasn't anyone I could trust afterwards. Sheesh I sound so melodramatic. But I think that's what it did to me. Cos ever since, I've gone so much quieter that I don't know what to say anymore, so much more secretive that I don't even know what I'm hiding. I know it sounds dumb but I tend to suck at maintaining conversations because I don't know what to say, and I tend to have privacy issues and be guarded about things that I probably don't have to hide. Just explaining myself to those who find me an awkward person now.
But I think it made me a better person too. I've never told even the most trivial secret since and built up trust with people because of it. And I really resent gossip and slander now, which I guess makes me a better person, but it really is an issue sometimes because it's become so accepted. It pains me to see girls put it down under 'likes' in their profiles.
I've only just realised today that it did so much more good than I could have imagined then, and not just for me. The English lesson just made me think back to something I did afterwards that I'm very glad I did now. I think I can claim the satisfaction of knowing someone was changed because of it.
But then all that was kinda secondary to the fact that it was basically a turning point in my life. I started pursuing God then. I actually only fell madly in love with Jesus maybe two or three years ago, but now I see how He'd been working through it all the way. Like it just makes perfect sense. Jesus - I can honestly say - is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
He has this habit of taking the worst things in my life and turning them into the best. I guess God's been doing that way before me anyway. Refer: bible. He's done it for so many people. And for all of us. He turned the cruxifixion into salvation. God is a God of paradoxes. (Paradox is so cool don't you reckon.)
I was just thinking...if I didn't find Him just in time, I would be in a pretty bad mess right now. At least severe depression, or something. But what can I say...there's no way in which He hasn't saved me.
Wow look how much I've written I didn't mean to say this much and I haven't even finished...I think I better go to sleep now though. Pretty late. Hello to the readers and congratulations for getting to the end of this post. Goodnight! =)