Thursday, September 08, 2005 4:04 pm

Sometimes I feel like some stupid moral angel for not doing some things that everyone does. And it makes me angry at myself, when in my mind I treat these people as if they are ignorant and they don't know what they are doing. Because really, I have no right to do so. Maybe I would have that right if I was perfect, and if I did do all the things I know I should and didn't do all the things I know I shouldn't. But I don't. So why do I wish people would see when I can't 'see' either??

It's hard being a Christian. It's harder being a Christian alone. You try your best not to do the things you shouldn't. And after a while, you don't want to, anyway, because what repulses God repulses you too. How could you ever explain that to anyone? All you get seen as is someone who chooses to suffer.

I always wonder whether this is all a trial or if this is all my fault in some way that I can't see.

I know that some of it is definitely my fault. Because I think I've found the root of almost all the problems I have; and I see it connected to this, just as it is habitually connected to everything else in my life.

But you see, I know that God doesn't expect me to be perfect. If He did, it would be because He made me perfect. He just expects me to be me.

But I don't know how to be me. I don't even know what I'm like. What kind of person I really am. I know I have changed so much from what I used to be: I can't work out which person I am. I just know that I'm not OK with me now. So it's either that the person I used to be is the real me, who has been destroyed by circumstances; or the person I am is the real me, who knows that there must be more than this.

Whoever you are, you must be thinking right now how crazy I am for even bothering to think about this. I've heard that quote: "They are too busy thinking about life to actually live life". Why not just not think about anything and take things as they come? Go with the flow. Don't worry about who to be. Just be.

I don't want to just be. I want more than just be. I don't merely exist, and neither do you.